Ring! ... Ring! ... Ring!
"Hello, Thanks for calling Movewest Realty, this is Mark. How can I help you?"
"Hello Mark. I'm new to the area, and I'm looking for a home. I saw your website and decided to give you a call. I'm what most people consider a senior citizen and I think I need your help."
"Certainly Sir, I'm a designated Senior Real Estate Specialist and I would be happy to help you."
"Well actually Mark, I'm a really, really senior citizen."
"I'm sure we all feel that way from time to time Sir, and by the way ... I'm afraid I didn't catch your name."
"Well Mark, most people just call me the Count."
"What a distinguished name. Well Count, what exactly are you looking for?"
"I have some rather special needs. I have to support a large and growing number of relatives and friends. Most of them just dropped by for a bite and never left. In fact, you might more accurately describe them as a bunch of blood sucking monsters."
"Gosh Count, that sounds like my old college fraternity."
"Well Mark, I'd be very surprised if your fraternity had the same severe initiation rites our group has."
"Lots of candles, hooded celebrants, secret chanting and screaming initiates... Count?"
"Well actually, yes Mark!"
"If you've been to one, you've been to them all Count. Fraternities are the same all over."
"I suppose there is some truth to that, but believe me Mark, ours is special. None of our members actually make it through initiation, but they all stay."
"Fascinating! Those folks must feel pretty worn out after their busy evening Count."
"Mark, they feel absolutely drained after the ceremony, but are soon actively seeking new members with the rest of us."
"Well Sir, what special needs do you have for your home search?"
"Well Mark, first we need a big place with a good security system ... a nice tall stone wall, wrought iron gates, a rural location off the beaten path. Ideally, it would be something to discourage solicitors, peddlers and angry pitchfork-toting mobs."
"Er.... right count. How about a swimming pool, tennis court or a 3 car garage?"
"Well we don't require any of those, but a stable big enough for a large black horse-drawn hearse and 6 huge ebony stallions would be a plus. A backyard with a good full moon exposure, and no digging restrictions would do nicely as well. We love to do some occasional 'planting' by moonlight."
"Very intriguing Count. What kind of things grow well at night?"
"Mark it isn't so much the growing but rather the planting which concerns us. I can truthfully say that what we plant, stays planted except for once a year on Halloween. That's when our garden really 'comes alive'."
"I would really like to find a large home. A home with a deep basement with space for torture...er...scientific research equipment, a belfry with lightning rods, and ramparts with a draw bridge would be excellent. It doesn't have to be new construction. We don't need cable TV, internet access, good cell phone reception or even electricity. Candles are what we use mostly."
"You folks sound very energy conscious Count. How about lots of big windows to take advantage of solar energy. You could buy an old church."
"Sorry Mark, but that absolutely will not work. The esthetics are just all wrong for me."
"Okay, what about an old stone farmhouse with maybe a big California wine cellar?"
"That would be much better Mark, but we won't be laying down any caskets of wine. Our caskets hold a uniquely different and older vintage. It is also very light sensitive."
"OK, but a bigger home could be very expensive Count."
"We've been pre-qualified through a number of lenders Mark. We can be very persuasive, and we always have our loans approved by the end of the day. In fact, some of our best, most juicy banking experiences have been arranged after dark."
"How extraordinary Count. May I ask how many bedrooms and bathrooms you will require?"
"None at all for me Mark, but a few guest bedrooms might be appropriate. Something large enough for canopied beds, solid wooden furniture, a few tapestries and long, dark draperies for the windows. The bedroom doors should be oak plank with iron hinges and locks. The doors probably ought to be soundproofed as well. We don't want to worry about our guests comfort. We want them to feel secure. We want them to feel like they can stay forever."
"OK Count, you said you are a senior citizen. Would you like to investigate a 1031 Exchange?"
"Actually Mark, we have done quite a bit of investing over the years. You could say that we work with the liquid assets of a large number of silent investors. We are also bringing into this transaction the proceeds from a sizeable European Estate Transaction. It was actually a huge fire sale. All the local villages attended and each of our assets was quickly liquidated."
"What a wonderful event Count!"
"Good and bad Mark. The terms of the fire sale were real killers, and of course a large number of villagers had been associated with the family business for many years. We hated to let them go. However, we do feel we'll be competitive here in America. I love a personal challenge, something I can really sink my teeth into."
"What is your business Count?"
"Well Mark, we have diversified over the years. We began in the warm beverage business, and through what might now be called hostile takeovers, we have increased our market share in some rather well known businesses. We actually coined the term 'The Big Gulp'. Our business plan is so strong now that we have expanded into many more fields. We just murder the competition. Our only real challenge now will be overcoming business restrictions mandated from State Government here in California. Fortunately, we feel confident that given a few years of working closely with our elected officials, we'll be able to convert them to our cause. After all, what we do isn't so very different from what they do."
Find out the value of homes near your castle. Visit http://www.searchcamarillohomes.com/
or to read additional commentaries and local market surveys you are invited to visit my website blog at http://www.markthorngren.com.
Warmest Regards,
Mark Thorngren
